How does mediation work? What can I expect? Questions I typically hear from clients who come in to my office and want to find out whether mediation really can work for them and their family. Can divorce really be amicable? Can they really end their marriage without the lawyers or judges telling them what they need to do? Can they decide the terms of their divorce even if they don’t agree on everything?
Simply, yes. 
Ultimately, to file for divorce in New York based upon the no fault provisions in the New York Domestic Relations Law, both parties will need to agree upon all of the aspects of their divorce including property distribution, spousal support, child support and a parenting plan. However, some couples might agree on some of these issues and not all of them right now. The parties might not even be on friendly terms. You need not have a conflict free relationship to mediate. All that you need is a willingness to work through these challenges. In mediation, the mediator will work with the participants to help them have those difficult communications in a safe environment, where communications are confidential and assist them in determining their needs and concerns and reach agreeable terms.
From my experience, the couples who work with me find that their communications between mediation sessions improves and they are able to work on the day-to-day decisions more easily and reach agreements on the issues we are working on in mediation. This is particularly beneficial to those couples with children who will need to communicate with one another for many years after their divorce is complete.
For instance, I was working with a couple who had come to three mediation sessions, worked through some of the major issues in the divorce and it seemed that several more sessions would be required to address all of the issues needed to be addressed in their divorce. However, since our initial session they learned a new way of communicating with each other, hearing each other’s needs and concerns, and they resolved some of the issues in between our sessions so we were able to move much more quickly and in fewer sessions than initially anticipated.
In mediation, the couple can divorce on their terms. They can reach solutions that work for them and their family. The mediator can provide information regarding various aspects of the law, but ultimately the decisions made in mediation will be made by the couple and not by the mediator. The mediator is there as a guide, helping the participants to share information with each other and making sure that all of the issues are addressed in the separation agreement.
Often it is helpful to involve other professionals to assist in the decision-making process. For instance, where the couple holds investments, pension plans, life insurance, property or businesses and other assets that may be difficult to value, an independent financial advisor, appraiser, or forensic accountant may be beneficial to the process. Similarly, I was working with a couple recently who had a son with a disability and they were concerned about telling him about their decision to divorce. They were unsure how he would react. They expressed to me that it was possible that their son would be accepting of their decision or that it might stifle his next steps in life. There, a psychotherapist was helpful to the couple in preparing them for the conversation with their son.
So mediation is a process. It is different from going to court and battling out the issues between you and your spouse with the help of your attorney and waiting on the decision of the judge assigned to your divorce case. In a mediation, you can resolve all of the issues together with or without the assistance of a mediator and the involvement of other professionals, as needed. It can be resolved quickly or take a few weeks or months to resolve depending upon what you and your spouse need to decide. Mediation is the holistic approach to divorcing, like a nutritionist or acupuncturist might be to your health and wellness. Mediation allows for the taking into consideration the totality of your circumstances, evaluating and deciding how to resolve the issues in your divorce. The mediator helps the couple to stay focused, organized and write up their decisions in an agreement.
So now that you know more about how mediation works and how it has worked for some couples, comment below if you have had experience using mediation to resolve disputes, or comment below if you still have other questions.
