Happy Holidays and Happy New Year! This is such a wonderful time of the year, isn’t it? Beautiful holiday lights line the streets, city apartment balconies and rural homes. The tree in Rockefeller Center in NYC and ice skating rinks where families and children are out laughing and enjoying time together; the holiday shops throughout the city. When I see these, they make me smile. They remind me of time with family, exchanging gifts, eating tasty food and lots of talking and laughter. This past weekend, I spent time with my family and relatives and outside it smelled like Christmas. You know that smell? It made me stop and smile thinking about the other families who were spending the holidays together, fireplace logs burning and children home from school running around and playing.
For many people, this is a wonderful time of year – like the song “it’s the most wonderful time of the year. . .” Unfortunately, for some families it is a very stressful time of year because their family has “changed”. Parents have separated and are not living together any longer or they divorced and now time with the children is shared. The holidays can be a highly stressful time both for the parents and for their children. Arguments over who will have the children and which days and for how many hours; competition over giving the “better” gifts to the children; opinions can flare over whether the children should be spending time with extended family or the new girlfriend or boyfriend. These are just some of the many issues and challenges that people are facing. Sometimes, it is more complicated because the parents don’t reside in the same state or the distance is great and coordinating parenting time and visitation can become challenging if one parent is “scheduled” to be with the children but they have a conflict with work.
Here are some suggestions to minimize and reduce holiday and family stress:
- Cooperation and advance planning between the parents before the holidays so that it is clear when the children will be with whom – children should not be left to choose who to spend the holidays with.
- Maintain some of the “old” family traditions as it will have a grounding effect upon your children – indicating that some things are still the same, even though the family has changed.
- Involve the children in creating new traditions when they are with each parent and respective extended family, creating new memories.
- Talk with your children before the holidays, so that they know what to expect. This will help to reduce their anxiety and stress.
- Consider your children’s needs. Do they need down time between travel and activities? Do they need nap time or snacks at particular times of the day? Don’t try to over-schedule activities during the holidays.
Acknowledging that the family dynamic is different; that the family traditions that existed when mom and dad were together is likely to change; realizing that both parents want the best for their children; from that place parents can make the best decisions for their children and for their family. I believe, that in most instances, the parents know what is best, but sometimes they find it challenging to face each other and talk about what they want. I believe in you. Most of all, remember that communication, cooperation and advance planning is key. If the parents cannot do this on their own, seek out a professional to assist them. It is best to work this out on their own, together, as they both know what is best for them and their children. However, sometimes they may not agree and may need the assistance of a professional – they may seek out someone they can trust, a family counselor, family mediator, a lawyer or judge to help to make those decisions.
With an agreed upon plan, an agreed upon parenting schedule, parents create consistency, safety and security for their children, and a defined carved out time for themselves and their children enabling all to enjoy what should be a wonderful, joyous holiday season.
Write a comment below and tell me if these suggestions were helpful to you, your family, friends and relatives or share the things that your family does to get through the holidays. Happy holidays and I’ll see you in the New Year!
Warm wishes,
Sabra Sasson
www.new-york-divorce-mediation.com
